I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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