My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I will die if light touches me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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