I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
