after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
