so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
