This is not my ceiling
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
