Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Randomize
