Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
