I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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