I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
