Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
