Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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