I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
