wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
