i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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