proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
