morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
