He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
