Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
