I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
