I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
