Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
