im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
