I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
