it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
