I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
