Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
