End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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