I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
