When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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