Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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