People in love make me want to vomit
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
