I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
