Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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