no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it was like eating out sand paper
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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