you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
