The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
