Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
