whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Text me some of your sweat
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