if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
