you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
