Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We need a shit load of segways right now
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
