guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
