I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
