i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
