Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
