Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
