i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
