Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
