I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
