I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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